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I was at work in April of 1995 when I began experience sharp pains. I drove myself to the hospital. When I described my pain, they took me in immediately. After a few hours and several tests, they told my husband and I they had good news and bad news. The good news was I was pregnant. The bad news was, they could not detect the pregnancy in my uterus and they needed to admit me immediately. At the time, I was a junior in college and this was during final exam week. I was very upset, because I did not want my studies to suffer. Thank Allah for teaching me true self-love, because at the time I did not care about what my husband and I felt regarding the child, I did not want to fail in school. I stayed in the hospital five days. On the fifth day, a Sunday morning, they came and told me the levels indicating a pregnancy were rising and according the numbers, I was twelve weeks pregnant. They wanted to do an emergency surgery immediately. After they detailed the options I had regarding the surgery, I opted for them to perform a laparoscopic procedure to determine the nature of my pregnancy. I woke up in the recovery room and was told that the pregnancy ruptured in the fallopian tube and subsequently, I lost my fallopian tube. Unfortunately, the scar tissue on the right indicated that if I ever got pregnant again, I would certainly lose that pregnancy as well. I was asked if I’ve ever had PID(pelvic inflammatory disease). I told them I had not. I was in so much emotional pain, words are inadequate to describe. I will say I fell into an awful depression.
What I will say now having more knowledge about myself and actions than ever before is, it is vitally important men and women consider the all the consequences of their behavior and actions BEFORE they delve in. There I was telling medical professionals who had looked with a camera into the deep cavities of my reproductive organs that “OH NO, I DID NOT HAVE THAT”. I was in utter denial. My husband and I at the time never discussed the pregnancy, our loss, or what we felt. We suffered our pain and shame in secret.
During my senior year of college at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in November 1995, I began to feel, dizzy and a familiar sharp pain. I excused myself to leave classroom and fell to the ground in the hallway. I was taken to the hospital across the street and was told the devastating news that again. I was pregnant and the pregnancy was undetected in my uterus and I would have to stay in hospital. I was taking a Statistics class and was warned that if I missed a day it would be impossible for me to pass. Now I was distraught that I may never give my husband children and I would not graduate with my class. The shame I had attached to my schooling was the fear I would not be in the position to provide for myself in the event my husband and I didn’t make it. This was major baggage I carried into my present reality from my childhood. Three day later, a black surgeon who I wish to this day I can thank, spoke words to me in such a blunt and direct way. I was no longer in denial about the Sexually Transmitted Disease PID that apparently nestled in my fallopian tubes and destroyed them with my permission. Why do I say my permission? I have accepted the responsibility I played in the destruction of my womb. I am aware that as a young girl, though I tried to justify my actions, I paid the price for ignorance. Though at the time, I did not know how precious my body was and is, I did not know how to guard my prized possession.
I was angry at myself for many years for the errors in judgment which caused these painful and life changing events. With the help of Almighty God, Allah, Who led me into the Mighty M.G.T. & G.C.C. Class in 1997 and into support circles and a 12 step program, I am overwhelmingly grateful for how Allah (God) was and still is able to move mountains and obstacles in my path. It was Allah (God) who has orchestrated the changes in my marriage to a wonderful man. Though I was hurt, I never gave up hope. I learned that I was born a determined fighter for what it is I desire. I am now learning to channel that great energy for the greater good of myself and my community. Today, I am healing on a much deeper and at a more rapid pace through the use of a scientific tool called Dianetics Auditing. It has proven to be the best form of mental health therapy I have ever experienced. By the grace of Allah (God), I look forward to becoming healthier me and alongside my husband, become parents to children who will be born on and in purpose with the Will of Allah (God).
For the last 16 years, I have dedicated my energies and time to sharing with young women and women in general about healing the hurt in order to facilitate our minds in making better decisions. Allah (God) does not make mistakes nor does He err. I know He has an active and permissive will. He has given me free will to experience life as I choose, and today I share with my sisters on how important it is for us to use FREEDOM wisely for the best outcome in our favor. My healing today continues as I share with others the awesomeness of Allah (God)’s power.