As a woman, in order to prepare yourself to be a wife, you should prepare to love yourself first. The definition of preparemeans to arrange in advance; to provide what is needed to make complete. With this definition alone, some work has to come into play. First, a woman should not go looking to have a marriage as her number one priority or mission. A woman should be studied spiritually, educated, and well-balanced in her own right. She should be a pleasant sister, have her own identity, and be confident in herself. She should be poised and graceful, and always look as though she is “well put together.”
Before a woman prepares to be a wife, she should do self-examination. She should examine her qualities and shortcomings. She should make a list of her qualities and shortcoming and examine her personality. She should ask a good friend (same sex preferably) of how she is viewed in her eyes. You need a friend that will be honest with you, and tell you the truth about how you are perceived good, bad, or indifferent. Review your lists you created with your friend. A real friend will tell you critical information that will be positives and negatives about your personality, character and demeanor. Lastly, ask a family member you are close with outside of your parent (s). Your family is close to you, and more than likely has witnessed you in all situations throughout your life. This person will give you an analysis of how you cope and handle issues in present and past times.
A woman should also analyze her past and childhood. What examples did she see growing up as a family unit? Was it a single-parent home or traditional two-parent home? Was she raised by her grandparents? What kind of childhood did the woman have? Did she grow up in a suburban home around different races and cultures of people, or did she grow up in an urban area of town? Was she accustomed to seeing violence, gangs, prostitutes walking the streets, etc.? Looking at a person’s upbringing usually determines quite a bit of how this person views the world, and most importantly, a mate. These images we see as a child shapes and molds our long-term views and memory. For a woman, it often determines her view of the role of a man. If she is from a divorced home, she could see a man as one who is only there for a short period of time, then leaves. She could think that all men abandon their wives even if the situation was really not true. To a child, they only relate to what they see, and make their own inferences of how the situation is viewed. She could have grown up without a father, and is not sure where a man would fit in her life. All these are important to look at when thinking of marriage. For the woman, it may not be a bad idea to seek a counselor or therapist to help her to self-examine herself. We should do this before committing to another person, or even having the desire to seek marriage. Knowledge of Self is key to development of preparation. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that the first love is the love of self.
Once a woman begins to start the self-examination process, she also has to work on what I like to call being “domesticated.” In today’s society, this is looked upon as “Taboo.” In the 1950’s and 1960’s, Essence magazine’s 40th edition stated that over 60% of homes consisted of two-parent traditional homes. We can only infer that the woman did the cooking, cleaning, rearing of children (some were stay at home mom’s), sewing, etc. For women in the Nation of Islam, our seven units (how to keep house, how to rear their children, how to take care of their husbands, sew, cook, and in general, how to act at home and abroad) given to us by Master Fard Muhammad were the usual and standard practice of most homes during this time.
There is something to be said of that time……it was where the woman made the home her base, but not necessarily her place. She could be successful with educating and teaching her children, making and assisting her husband in his success, etc. Children during this time saw mom preparing dinner, grocery shopping for fresh produce, sewing, etc. Women must get back to these fundamental principles and practice these principles on a daily basis. I don’t care who, where, or how a man was reared, “a man’s heart is and has always been through his stomach.” No one says you have to be a chef; however you should practice as much as possible even if you are single. Practice still makes perfect.
A woman should understand what type of man she desires, however, not in a superficial manner. Speaking from a personal experience, I have had some relationships in my past, but not manyJJ. In the past, I had boyfriends of many different personalities, looks, backgrounds, etc. In those experiences (back then), I thought I knew what kind of man I wanted. He had to “look good,” (you know…he have to had the kind of looks that women wanted to date him) he had to have a nice body; he had to be family oriented, and have money. I did have a few guys that possessed some of what I mentioned and was in long-term relationships with most of them. However, there was always something missing in all of them. I realized that as I got older, what I wanted was not the same on the surface I thought as first. Dear sisters, evaluate your past relationships. Do a deep study of each person you had a relationship with, and analyze why it didn’t work out? Was it you? Was it him? Every person is not for every type of relationship, however, know very well what type you need for you. If you consider yourself a “high-maintenance person” then know that you may want a man who is supportive of your career, ambition, etc. If you want to have children and be a stay at home mom, make sure your mate is content with paying all the bills, etc. These are just examples on the surface, but delve deep into your psyche to determine the kind of mate you desire. Remember, in any relationship you have to be willing to compromise and stand your ground on what you believe at the same time.
Women need to know that what is important to men is not the same importance when it comes to women. When I asked a man what he thinks is important in a mate, loyalty and support was mentioned. Some women think we know what men want by the way we dress, look, act, etc. When I asked a few men in the past about a mate, they mostly mentioned wanting a natural woman. They desire women to be strong, yet delicate, to be sexy, but not look like a whore. They want beauty, but not how we perceive it. We have a warped sense of what beauty is because we don’t think that as Black women we are beautiful. We are so busy trying to alter our natural beauty that we don’t see that White people spend their time trying to look like us; we spend our time trying to look like them. We are the Original man and woman, and we have to start learning to appreciate our beauty and our bodies and treat them like temples. This has to be addressed before a mate is even considered.
In conclusion, we should make sure we understand that all good things come to those who wait. We should seek assistance through patience and prayer as Muslims learn from the Holy Qur’an. Ask Allah (God) to guide you to a better understanding of yourself. You, as a woman, will never have a mate like your sister. Your sister has a mate especially designed by Allah (God) for her. You will have to be patient and wait for when Allah (God) reveals your designed mate for you. Remember, you should be willing to make sacrifices if your designed mate does not come in the package that you think it should appear. It will come in the way that Allah (God) sees fit for you to see him. Don’t be judgmental of a man, but allow him to reveal himself to you when the time is right. If a man desires you, he will ask to court you which is the courtship process.
You should take him to court (to make evidence and information revealed) just as the process states. Through his conversation, you will hear what you need to hear in order to determine if this is the mate designed for you. Just know the difference from when you are talking to yourself or convincing yourself, and when Allah (God) is revealing information to you through patience and prayer. Let Allah (God) guide you in your questions and decisions when conversing with a man. If you pray to Allah (God) for what you are seeking in a mate, He will bring you what you ask if your intentions are pure. However, be careful what you ask for, if you ask for a man….. He will send you one… however; it could be one that is not for you. What I am saying is be specific in your prayers, and not superficial. When I prayed to Allah (God), for a husband, I asked Allah (God) to bring me someone spiritual and I asked for my husband by name to Allah (God) in my prayers. He gave me what I asked for 12 ½ years ago.
Continue to stay on the straight and narrow…….
Peace,
Sister Striving
