How do I feel today? I’m 17 weeks pregnant, on the outskirts of morning sickness and on the way to what will hopefully be a sickness free remainder of my pregnancy. In a previously written H2H article, I shared with you my immediate feelings as they transpired from the very beginning about the response from my child’s father when he learned that I was pregnant. Obviously, there was hurt there. My point in sharing was so that I could not forget about where I was in my state of mind from the first points of the feelings of despair. I wanted to see if I could evolve from those feelings. Today will be exactly 3 months from the day that I was told that I would be alone in this process. 3 months from the day he suggested I have an abortion and that I would be a “single poor mother” (his words).
I took a detour on this journey to have a talk with closest friends and family for support, as it was very much needed. In doing so, I found ways to cope with the situation, as is. The truth is, there really is nothing to do about his response. I was told by one very close friend that this was just the man’s initial shocked from the news. I started to believe that, but as months have passed with no contact from him—I wonder. I wonder if this is shock or denial and still the ultimate example of someone not willing at all to accept responsibility in any way. I wonder if this is how it started with all the men I know today who grew up without fathers or with absent and dead beat dads. Were their fathers “shocked” as well—and how long is “shocked” an excuse? For a lifetime?
So how do I really feel? I feel better. Better is better than how I felt before so, that is progress. In the last 3 months I have had to wrap my arms around myself and love myself. I have had to accept that I have a blessing growing inside of me. I’m still “going through” the process of letting go of the feelings I had when I was told that I would go through this alone. For a while I cried for days only because I absolutely hated that this selfish, deceitful person was going to be the father of my child; someone I trusted would do the right thing. Then more thoughts—-a learning experience. This man had an absent father and a mother who stood for anything. So was he taking after his father in running away from such a responsibility? Was he having no regard for a woman, because his mother didn’t show him that it was not right to do these things? I don’t think any of this is an excuse or a reason. It’s more like something to fall back on.
How long will it take? The golden question for anyone getting over something is how long. We want to know when our broken leg will heal, when we will walk again, when will the pain from wisdom tooth extraction stop, when will scars heal….We always want to know. Just the other day a friend of mine said “If GOD doesn’t give you more than you can handle, then He must have him confused with someone else”. While that was very funny to me—after I laughed, I felt the same as him. I sarcastically asked, does GOD have me confused with someone? Is He giving me pain that someone else should have because surely He knows I can’t handle this? And I have been asking Him to take it away. The obvious truth is GOD does not make mistakes and He knows exactly who we are. It is by no accident that you are where you are for some very special purpose. Knowing what that purpose is sometimes knowing when the pain will stop and this is something you will not know until the lesson is learned. How long will it take you to learn? That’s how I look at it.
The pain and the anger and the upset will stop when you arrive at the mountain of forgiveness once again. I think forgiveness is an ongoing lesson in healing. Learning to heal is being able to heal in all situations. Can you truly say that you have mastered forgiveness if you have forgiven for only small things but the bigger things you say there’s no way? I think the task gets harder and harder—just as when you are in school at the age of five and you are learning simple math. These are building blocks to someday do algebra and build a pyramid perhaps. When you grow older, your life is not ABC and 123 anymore. You know how to add and spell, so what is the challenge in a spelling bee?
Establishment: I know today what I have to do. I have to say I forgive this person and mean it. I have said it over and over and over in the last 3 months, but I still allow thoughts into my head about how I would much rather like to hate this person because he deserves nothing more. That does not help me and it does not get me the access code at the pearly gates. I know that however long it takes me to forgive, is how long it will take me to heal. So this answers the question of how long since I have established what needs to be done.
Today on this journey I continue to make strides. I was able to hear my Childs heartbeat and it was the most awesome thing. It was new life—something that was relying on me for her survival. Something even more for me to live inside for. I’m continuing to grow spiritually and mentally. I’m dealing with emotions as they change daily. I still hurt—but I know when it will stop. I’m still traveling……
“Freely Speaking”
