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Toxic Relationships – The WO-Man in the MIRROR

Toxic Relationships – The WO-Man in the MIRROR

It’s 2012.  This is the year that every one is going to do better, be better, and feel better than they did in 2011.  This is the year that most people have said, “I am going to be rich, successful, and ready to take on the world.”  I have also heard several people say that they were going to avoid and or eliminate toxic relationships from their lives.  In fact, the latter statement is the NUMBER ONE chart topper for 2012.  So let’s deal with that…

How Did We Get Here? 

I am sure when the “relationship” started both parties felt nothing but love floating in the air right.  Come on now, we all know the deal, because we’ve all been there.  Sweet beginnings are always the juiciest part of coming together and forming the relationship, but someone causes the spark to go out.  The relationship does not fizzle out by itself.  Mr. Toxic did not just knock on your relationship without a little help from a friend, right.

Toxic people are toxic because they are stuck and lost.  When people are in that position they will say and do whatever they have to to prove that you are the one causing the problems.  Don’t allow yourself to carry their baggage.

So let’s deal with that…

O.J. Did Not Do It.

Toxicity showed up in the relationship, because someone did not hold up their end of the ships bargain.  Some one did not use their words, as one of my former teachers used to say.  Someone did not say I love you enough or barely showed much love at all.  Maybe toxicity opened fired because one partner expected the other partner to do ALL the work without adding a little sum sum on the end.  When mates matter to one another it shows because they show it.  Love is action.

If you do not feel inspired, empowered, or encouraged whenever you are around your mate then talk about it.  If your grudges, resentments, and frustrations become more than any human could handle it’s time to reach out to one another.  If you feel the need to stay out too late too often, yes, it is time to sit down and spread your cards on table.  Two people cannot make life work with visible scars oozing and dripping throughout the home.  Let’s deal with that with an example…

Ray Charles, the famous songwriter, musician, and performer, admitted that he loved women.  Charles was married twice and fathered 9 children with different women. His first marriage to Eileen Williams lasted one year because Charles was on the road. Then he married Della Beatrice Howard ( Bea) and she gave birth to three boys.  During the entire time Charles was married to Bea, he also courted Raelette Margie Hendricks, lead singer of the Raylettes, his background singers.  Moreover, Charles was hooked on heroin for most of their married life. Ray and Bea were married for 22 years before they divorced.

This relationship smells toxic on so many levels.  Charles admitted to being selfish and wondered why Bea stayed with him as long as she did.  So let’s deal with that…

Why Do People Stay in Toxic Relationships?

May I keep it real?  People stay in lifeless relationships for many reasons, but I think they stay because they want to.  Other reasons’ people might stay in toxic relationships may involve family finances, children, weakness, but more importantly, a lack of self-love.  I volunteered for a local domestic violence center as an intake counselor.  I witnessed several women coming into the shelter after being severely beaten by their husbands or partners, and returning within a few days.  I would always ask the women, “Do you love what you feel?”  Even though they would say no, they returned because they were mentally and emotionally beaten as well.  It didn’t matter.

Leaving is not as easy for some as it may be for others, but I am just scratching the surface here.  We allow too much to happen between us over time without coining viable solutions before things get out of hand.  I dated a man knowing that he was not healthy for me.  I felt it the moment that I laid eyes on him because my spirit communicated that message, and yet I still dated him.  Did the relationship become toxic?  Absolutely.  It was like dating chaos on steroids.  I recall asking him questions for which I already knew the answers.  When you know the answers why are you asking these questions?

People stay because they are lonely and/or desperate.  They stay because it’s convenient or because they don’t know what else to do.  People stay because their self-esteem is in the can or they are blinded by their feelings.  Simply put, I believe people stay because they want to.  I heard a New England Licensed Therapist tell an inmate, “You can leave the crime scene at any time to save the rest of your life.”

How to Know When it’s Time to Let Go.  The Next time…

Author Mark Batterson quotes, “Trials have a way of helping us rediscover our purpose in life.”  While we cannot know all of the detours and answers along the way, we have enough knowledge to plan our next steps.

We have to question how we feel about what we’re feeling.  Can we accept these feelings as they are without doing anything with them?  And are we willing to compound our feelings with someone elses muddled mess to make matters even worse?  A self-reflective question to ponder is what matters to me?  In toxic relationships the writing on the wall is crystal clear–black eyes, blood dripping from busted lips, and feeling like crap every day is NOT my idea of a Diamond Lifestyle.  I don’t think it is anyone’s ideal lifestyle.  However, once the relationship is set and the make up loving {temporarily} heals the soul, people return to living that life until the next time.

Well, the next time is the time to let go.  The next time is the time to meet your own needs.  The next time is the time to protect yourself from another day of being beaten down, mentally destroyed, and disrespected.  The next time is the time to stop relinquishing your own personal happiness for someone who does not care about your well-being.  The next time is YOUR TIME to LET GO.

How to Let Go:  Discover Your Purpose

If there were an easy answer many more lives would have been saved today.  But if enough has become enough for you, listed are five things you can do to get started and save your own life:

1)  First, seek safety.

Most shelters are connected nationwide and will help you relocate privately if necessary.

2)  Make peace with your past.

Forgive everything and every body.  You’ve gone through and are preparing to receive your extraordinary breakthrough.  You are a new creature now.

3)  Tap into your drivers?

What can you offer from this experience that will help change the life of others?

4)  Love what you feel and what it does to you. (The newness) 

Discover the hidden parts of your life that has been waiting on you to show up and uncover its beauty?

5)  Live your faith with conviction

Shaping your life every day rather than “controlling” it will be a much better transformation, both emotionally and spiritually.

Each of us has at least one thing that only we are best suited to do.  With so much depth to whom you are and why you do what you do, facing answers to complex questions might seem to overwhelm you at first.  Fret not.  Thinking is the ultimate stimulant.  This journey was more than you expected, and now you can walk boldly wearing a confident Colgate smile as you design your Diamond Lifestyle.

Kimyon Zari aka The DIAMOND Coach





Wikipedia.  (2012)  Retrieved January 28, 2012 from:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_Charles


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