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When we think of secret admirers, sometimes we think of the sweet and innocent guy who sends us flowers through an incognito expression. Perhaps he’s too shy to say hello. Maybe he enjoys seeing the smile on your face while he watches you unpack envelops of money, cards and memo’s from behind his darkly tented shades from across the room. You can’t see him, and there’s a certain thrill that comes from not knowing him or being sure that it’s him, but it’s knowing that someone admires you in such a way.
His clever attempts to keep you interested are rooted in his strategically, well thought out plans that he’s diligently devised to woo you over. He knows what you like. He’s attentive to what you enjoy. He’s the one who covertly places nice gifts in your path or in a place to be found that only you would know about. He signs with a fancy, although unreadable, signature when ‘your secret admirer’, will not suffice. He gradually reveals himself by disclosing feelings for you through letters and expressed acts of kindness. You think, “What could possibly be wrong with this”?
What you probably paid no attention to was the fact that in all of his studying of you, he learned the things that made you happy or sad. He learned how to maneuver through your emotions to get what he wanted: You. He paid attention to the ins and outs of all of your emotions. He has studied your behavior while he became obsessed and infatuated with you. He created in his head, a life with you and by all means necessary he would go the extra mile to get you. Be it, to force the “L -word” on you, continue to feed your unhealthy or healthy material desires, cater to your needs; in which he was never truly interested in as much as he was obsessed with being a part of your life. He would soon become a nuisance to your life with regard to you dating other people. What he would call innocent, genuine love for you, would cause detrimental interference to any relationship you pursue with anyone else. He manages to convince you that no one is capable of loving you as he.
It upsets him to see you with anyone else. When he knows you are entertaining the company of another man, he would do the unthinkable to get your attention. Such as: have someone in your family to reach out to you to announce a staged illness to a close family member, have a sheriff deliver roses to your home while you have company, have a relative deliver gifts (A diamond and sapphire tennis bracelet, money, proposals). He always knew where you were.
It’s because he is now keen on what cards to play with you, he would play on your compassionate emotions; knowing that you would feel bad about ignoring his attempts and advances. All the while, he keeps it foggy through buying you things to ‘keep you’ and keep you happy. He has learned how to combat your feelings of dislike for him-with doing things for you. He is okay accepting your lack of love for him, so long as you are still apart of his life. In order to cover his true emotions, and now sick desires to have you, he deceives all the people around him into thinking that his disturbing behavior is because of something you have done to him. This is the only way he can mask it, without someone calling him out on what he’s doing. He is master at manipulating people, because he’s the “sweet innocent guy.” In a nutshell, he has learned that if someone caught him crying over a girl-he can tell them he’s crying because she will not leave him alone. It is a story that allows him to be openly mad now that everyone thinks it’s about something else. He’s relieved, because now he has successfully covered his ground with this deception. He’s comfortable with causing the shift in how people now think of you, yet he still wants you.
We have to be careful of the names we call the girl who would even entertain a man beyond the aforementioned things he has done. We must be willing to see that it is the 20/20 hindsight vision that wrote this story. You don’t often see the entire puzzle until it all comes together in one whole, complete picture. Then things begin to make sense.
Since I am talking about myself, I will absorb my own sentiments because I married him blind to his behavior that was characteristic of an obsession. Furthermore, in the middle of his unhealthy obsession I gave birth to his child. There are very fine lines drawn around someone who admirers you, are obsessed with you and who will someday stalk you. Once they reach this new height, at an unstoppable rate; there are two options for him: to have you or destroy you.
It has been said that the hallmark of a sociopath is lack of empathy. If I thought anything about it, I would have realized the actual stalker tendencies that he had from the beginning. I would not have ignored his ability to lie and deceive people to cover himself. I would have recognized the things he was doing for me, for what they really were. Never paid attention until after the fact, the cumulative things he did to make me stay with him and what he did when I threatened to leave.
In putting it all together, you realize that you were dealing with someone who not only demanded that his own child refer to him as “Dr.”, but someone who serves his enticing title to the general public, family, friends, co-workers and other authoritative figures to gain respect before opinion; he cleverly cast a net of superior hypnosis over all. He spewed the need for favorable praise and respect to feel important. In the middle of all the plate garnishing, was the meat; someone who was earning Ivy League education in the area of Stalker. He has, for quite some time become a collector of your things and has built a shrine to hold on to you in some manner. You never thought about the years of practice he had becoming a skilled craftsman at finding your phone number, your home, your workplace, your friends, your family and most of all, YOU.
The majority of stalking victims are stalked by someone they know. 66% of female victims and 41% of male victims of stalking are stalked by a current or former intimate partner.
For the attention of a woman, I quote “No Good Deed“
….I did my homework on this man …..And I can tell you with confidence that he’s actually quite a good liar…….Mr. Evans fits the criteria of a malignant narcissist – Charming, highly intelligent as you’ve witnessed…. but malignant narcissist are compelled to prove their superiority. Everything’s a seduction…And if they are rejected or things don’t go their way, they lose control.”
Niedria D. Kenny
Please see attached stat sheet provided by stalkingawarenessmonth.org