Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): Describe for me your view of intimacy as it pertains to a male/female relationship or what comes to mind when you hear the word “intimacy”.
Brother Anonymous (BA): It’s more of an emotional connection. A lot of times when people hear “intimacy” they automatically think of the physical act of it; touching, kissing and even the outright act of intercourse. I feel like it’s more so of having those conversations where you get to know that other person and it’s not just on a social level it’s more of getting to personal thoughts, past experiences…a deeper emotional connection than as it would be on a social level when you’re just friends….it’s more one-on-one.
EM: Tell me about your own personal experience with having intimate relationships.
BA: With my relationships, for the most part, I try to take them to an intimate level even though it doesn’t have to be physical. I’m more comfortable in that setting; not me just completely bearing my soul and being emotionally and mentally naked to the other person, but at the same time I’m going to be emotionally available for them and them for me. You know what I’m saying? It’s to get to know them and not to get to know them to control them or have a sexual relationship with them or play with people’s emotions or abuse them and cause chaos in their minds. I don’t do that.
When I begin to build an intimate bond with a woman, I make sure that it’s understood between both of us that you can bring whatever you want to the table and I won’t turn it and use it against you in any way, shape or form.
EM: How can the lack of intimacy affect a relationship?
BA: I think it depends on the nature of the relationship. Sometimes intimacy shouldn’t be in a relationship because the foundation of the relationship is not sturdy enough to carry that kind of weight. However, if you are in that relationship and you do want to proactively be in the relationship with a person it’s VERY important, if not the MOST important, thing you should have with that person. Intimacy Borns (brings) understanding of that person. Like I said intimacy is really getting to know a person mentally and emotionally.
We’re going to automatically see the physical. 9 times out of 10 that’s what attracted you to that other person; we see the physical. Therefore, that intimacy, that close connection that’s purely mental and emotional. If we don’t have that connection where I can’t learn from you and you can’t learn from me or I can’t lean on you and you can’t lean on me there is no relationship. We just have a couple common likes and we keep it on that. Maybe we just hang out. It doesn’t have to be a serious relationship status with that person. Like I said, it really depends on the nature of the relationship with that person.
EM: How did or does society’s view of intimacy as it relates to masculinity influence your perception of the word?
BA: Well I was raised by mostly women, so 1 of 2 things are going to happen. Either you’re going to understand women and use that understanding to prey on them or you’ll use that understanding to better deal with them in intimate relationships. For me having an intimate relationship with a woman is frowned upon, because everything is more so focuses on the sexual side of it; all women have to be naked and oiled up or whatever fantasy women have of men it’s purely a physical thing.
Most people really don’t understand when you say to a person, “I have a deep connection with this person. I truly love this person”. Other people don’t understand that. For instance a guy will clown you if you have a conversation with a woman and you develop a meaningful relationship with that person and an intimate connection with her, and you haven’t had sex with her in a certain allotted amount of time. You know what I mean, depending on the type of guy. His boy might say, “You’ve been talking to her for a month now and you still ain’t got the draws?” That’s something you would hear.
For me, I’ve never been affected like that because I’ve never been the type of person who catered to or cared about what society at large thinks. My thought process is I gotta live my life the way I live my life, therefore, who I deal with is purely my choice. Pretty much that shuts it down right there.
EM: If you could clear up any misconception that women may have about men and intimacy, what would it be?
BA: That we don’t want it. That’s the biggest one. A lot of women say that men are not emotionally available or sensitive for them. That might be the individual but that’s not to say we’re unwilling to do that. Human beings in general want that counterpart. That’s why monogamy is so big.
Yet, you have two kinds of men, and this is the truth. You have the “microwave” men and the “oven” men. If you want to compare them to animals you’ve got the “cheetah” and the “spider”. A Cheetah will lay and wait for the opportunity to get you. He’ll run up [making a pouncing sound] and boom, wam, bam thank you ma’am. He’s going to run up, BOW! And blindside you, hit you with the swift wisdom (THE GAME) and you might think, “Oh yeah, let’s do this”, and he bounces. That same cheetah speed he ran up to you on is the same cheetah speed he’s going to dip on you. You’re going to know he’s that Cheetah. He’s going to come up to you and pretty much tell you that, and you can tell by his demeanor what he’s trying to do if you pay attention .
Then you got brothers, and the reason I can say this is because I kind of used to be like this is certain ways, who makes an art out of the conquest. There are steps in the conquest. A Spider takes hours to create a web just to capture one meal. A Spider puts so much intricate details in the web. Why? It’s because that sets the foundation of the kill that much solid. You know what I’m saying? There’s no way you can get out of it. That’s what I mean by that step-by-step process. I’m weaving that web for you.
If I come to you and I take your hand and I look into your eyes, I say everything you want me to say. “I don’t want to have sex; I want to get to know you”. It throws women off so hardcore, because they’ve never heard of a guy who didn’t want to have sex. They’re like, “What?!? You’re a man, you have a penis and you don’t want to have sex? No, that doesn’t exist. You must be gay”. I say, “No, I don’t want to have a sexual relationship, because I want to have a mental and emotional relationship. I want to have something solid with you”. They’ll look at you like, “Get outta here! You look real unfamiliar. This is weird”!
So I give them good conversation, I’m a gentlemen and soon the sexual energy is going to build up with you more so then me, because I already have the sexual energy. I already know what I want to do, but it’s going to build up in you to the point where I can make you think that you’re madly in love me and I will give you just enough to make you believe that. Its inequality, but I’ll make it look like equality like everything you put in I’ll do the same thing. You know what I’m saying? I’ll buy you roses or I’ll do stupid stuff like text you a smiley face in the middle of the day, because I know this might make you smile and then BOOM! She’s like, “This dude really cares about me”. One night, you’re going to give him that one night and he tears it down and you’re like, “YES! He’s there for me, he’s intellectual… everything! He knocks it down right…”. Then, boom, next week he’s like, “PEACE”! And you’re like, “What the ****, are you serious?” Or maybe he’ll stay around to hit it a couple times if he liked it, and then once you get done up he’s gone, and you’re sitting there like, “What the hell just happened?”
That’s just it, you got Spiders and you got Cheetahs. Cheetahs are there for the quick kill. They’ll tell you, “This is what I want. I have a sexual hunger. I need to feed. You’re a carcass right now. You’re a good looking antelope right now and I’m hungry”. Boom, he’s going to run up on you and tell you that and either you’re going to accept it or keep it moving. However, he already knows there are more herds. He moves fast. He doesn’t worry about being stagnated. That’s why a lot of guys like that populate clubs, because if he goes up to one woman, “Yo wassup, I’m trying to have sex”…”No?” Then he moves on to another one, “What’s the deal?” There are times you might meet him in other settings, but for the most part you’ll meet him at social events; clubs, get-togethers with friends and things like that.
The other guy, the Spider, you might meet him anywhere, because he’s so diverse and has such a stylish foundation of who he is and what he does he can pretty much move in any plane of existence or cipher he feels like. He’s intellectual enough to sit there and politic with people about anything under the sun, but yet, he’s humble enough to just sit here and kick it with somebody. He’s the one everybody likes, but at the same time he and the Cheetah share the same hunger except the Spider is patient. When you’re hungry, you microwave. If you want the roast, you go for the oven.
It all comes from watching people.
EM: I think you have some men that can be just as open emotionally to that as women.
BA: Exactly. That’s how you have men who will break their bank just to please a woman.
EM: And you have some women who are Cheetahs and Spiders as well.
BA: Yep. It goes both ways. The difference is that women make much more dangerous Spiders, because they are more patient than men. They can wait him out longer.
EM: How does a woman (and man) tell the difference between the real deal and a Spider? They seem to share a lot of similar qualities but with different motives.
BA: Well here’s how to tell the difference. The Spider won’t tell you everything about himself. He’ll only give what he wants you to have. For instance, he will share little about his family and is less likely to introduce you to them. Also check out the type of friends he has. More than likely it will appear as a mis-match. Find out what he and his friends have in common if that’s the case. If the Spider, who appears to be clean cut, has friends who are Crips or Bloods, you need to ask about that and how they came to be friends. What could they possibly have in common? He may not share the location of his place of employment with you or other matters like that such as favorite hang out spots.
The Real Deal, will eventually do all of the above, because he is playing for keeps. You’ll know his childhood friends, his family, where he works and his daily routine.
I’d say that’s the easiest way to tell the difference.
EM: Wow… well you have certainly shared a great deal of gems. Thank you so much!
BA: Absolutely Sis, I enjoyed the conversation.