By Joycelyn Lewis, United Kingdom
Why are they so many single black women? Is it due to many more black women being the main income earner in the home and earning twice as much as their male counterpart? Let’s take a look at some of the reasons this is so prevalent in our communities.
Listed below are the top 10 out of 50 reasons why Black men find it hard to date Black women:
1. Black women make black men feel under appreciated, unwarranted and irresponsible and regressive.
2. Black women are too aggressive and no longer patient in waiting on the pursuit of a man.
3. Black women are strong headed, too independent which presents great challenges in relationships.
4. Black women are masculine in that they are controlling and like to run the relationship.
5. Black women expect too much. They are gold diggers who will not look twice at a blue collar black man.
6. Black women are hot headed and have bad attitudes.
7. Black women stop caring about their appearance after a certain age.
8. Black women are not as sexually open as other races.
9. Black women’s tolerance is far too low; they are no longer empathetic to the black man’s struggle in white UK.
10. Black women do not cater to their men.
Amid sharing these ten reasons with several Black women, some agreed to these assessments while others retorted (proving issue number 5) with negative connotation in their sentiments, placing blame on the opponent rather than listening and evaluating the dynamics that have prevented them from obtaining and maintaining relationships with their Black men. Those women shared speculations such as: white women have low self esteem and are easy to manipulate; white women are nasty, take abuse and will do anything to keep a Black man; white women are still considered trophies and Black women considered big lipped, loud-mouthed jigga boos that hold black men back; Black men are lazy and don’t want to be responsible or held accountable for their lives, their children and their families; white women make it easy for them to escape. Some were thankful for having heard the truth in answers that came from the mouths of men themselves, rather than the resentful loose-lipped, bitter and angry women who probably hold valid reasons for their singleness, which may have nothing at all to do with race. Though society may no longer flinch at the sight of a Black man with a white woman, it is apparent that some women are still scarred by the neglect and oversight imparted by their counterparts.
Have we become too successful with our careers and are now are suffering within our love lives?
I watched a Black woman in a YouTube clip speaking about Black women not being as coveted as women of other races and I think she has a valid point. In mainstream society, when you look at the famous women men lust over, Black doesn’t seem to be seen as beautiful. In recent years with the success of black music artists such as Beyonce and Rihanna and actresses such as Halle Berry and Zoe Saldana it’s better than it was 10 years ago, but I think we still we’ve got a long way to go. Even though the statistics the sister quoted was from the US prospective here in the UK I can totally relate to what the women in the video clip are saying. The Sunday Times reported that Britain has the highest rate of interracial relationships in the world, and it’s been reported elsewhere that by 2020 the mixed race population is expected to become Britain’s largest ethnic minority group with the highest growth rate. According to the 2001 UK census black British males were around 50% more likely than black females to marry outside of their race, so where exactly does that leave us?
A documentary done by Michelle Brooks examines black female stereotypes in the UK and asks, “is there something about Black women that is putting men off them?” “Do the media have a part to play in the way they portray us?” Most Black men in the UK who are celebrities in sports tend to have a white woman as their girlfriend or wife. Is the Black woman really sabotaging their chances for love and happiness?
Comedian/talk show host and and writer Steve Harvey said in his New York bestseller book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man”, “Men respect standards”, standards are needed in a relationship in order to make it work. Maybe that’s part of the problem; we seemed to have lost a lot of our standards. If we keep looking at white women as the top of the cherry pile, why is it that we are still last to be picked as a good wife? One brother put it like this, “We give up too much of our power to men”, when we make excuses for others’ actions, we condone their actions. We have become very good at rationalizing why some men do the things they do, we allow ourselves to be mistreated. There is no excuse for poor treatment, so don’t look for them.
How do we get to solve the problem of the single Black female? So many Black men lack employment skills and are likely to be incarcerated or dead at a young age. This has caused a serious problem in the black community. The wedding bell blues affects all single Black females at some time in their life. As a single Black woman I’m actually more interested in hearing from happily married black couples on how they met and what advice they can give to me to make it down the aisle. We now have the First Lady, Michelle and President, Barack Obama, a beautiful happily married Black couple in the White House. Why can’t we focus on how we can emulate couples like that?
Top Tips: – What Black Men do want from their Black Women
- They have delicate egos: A direct result, say experts, of the racism, oppression and systematic discrimination Black men face daily. In everything from employment to education, Black men are constantly being told they can’t measure up.
- Black women need to be aware of the power of their words. Black men remember the negative comments a woman makes about them as if they’d been branded on their brain.
- They are, in general, possessive about their women: No one’s talking about the kind of man who goes crazy when another man speaks to his girlfriend at a party. When a Black man is being possessive,” he’s saying: Don’t touch my woman. She’s mine and no one else’s. And that’s a from-the-gut expression most Black men say they feel about their woman.
- When a Black man is in love with a woman, he’s very territorial about her. It comes down to the fact that he wants – and expects – her to be his exclusively.
- For many, love and sex are separate issues: Experts agree that unlike most women, most men can make love without loving. “Physically, men and women have different needs, unlike most women; many men will have sex purely for the sake of physical release. When the boys get together they just talk about the physical side of doing it. . . whereas little girls learn about sex in the context of closeness and love. Boys don’t even begin to hear about that until much later in life, if ever. Women shouldn’t assume because a man wants to sleep with her, he wants to marry her. That single understanding would save a lot of misreadings, arguments and hurt feelings.
- A hint is more seductive than a blatant proposition: “Flirtatious is one hundred times better than obvious. Most men surveyed report that women who come on strong are generally a turn-off. “Even in the so-called liberated ’90s, most men want to make the first move and, whether they admit it or not, they unwittingly bring this expectation to their romantic encounters.
- Women who revel in their femininity: It makes a man feel totally masculine. It’s like yin and the yang. Black men frequently complain that Black women don’t relish their femininity as much as they’d like, Black men don’t mean women who act fragile, weak and helpless every time they’re around a man. The women Black men say they find so appealing are those who celebrate the differences in the sexes; women who aren’t embarrassed or defiant about being women but instead delight in it.
- Women who make men feel needed. One young brother stated, “I have the sense, that if a woman doesn’t need me, then I’m somehow not a man. On the other hand, a woman who makes me feel she depends on me, even if she doesn’t, is the ultimate turn-on. It validates my manhood.”
- Women who enjoy sex: Men and experts agree: men take enormous pleasure in turning a woman on. For them, great sex includes watching her enjoy sex. “It shows him that she wants him and, more importantly, he is able to satisfy her.
Knowledge Is Power…
Peace and love,
Sister Joycelyn Lewis