read in: 11 min
“Be the person you want to find”: a line we have heard before but one we may have heard recently in the lyrics of a song by Lyfe Jennings, titled: “Statistics”. A nice gesture from a man to shed light on some statistics related to 90% versus 10% bad and good, respectively that a woman has to “choose” from.
My feathers have been ruffled a bit lately by some comments that I hear women say when we are on the subject of “what is it that you want in a man”, “what are you looking for in a man”, “who would be the perfect man for you”. Just in general conversation as well, I have had to hold my tongue on quite a few occasions when I hear their comments.
In hanging with the line: Be the person you want to find, I would like to ask women if they are being the person they are looking for, hoping for, praying for, and desperately asking GOD for. Let me help you with the question.
Are you GOD-Fearing? Do you have your life in order? Are you goal oriented, self motivated, successful, determined, ambitious, well-rounded, educated, and world traveled? Are you physically fit, do you eat healthy, are you wealthy like you are demanding that your mate is? What do you bring to the table?
Why is it that if you ask a woman what is it that they are looking for, most all will respond with prince charming answers, knight in shinny armor descriptions, flawless and almost unrealistic. Before I go on, it’s necessary to state that by no mention am I saying that “that man” is not out there. I’m simply saying he probably does exist, but he exists for the woman who has all that too. He exists for the woman who is everything she is looking for. You may miss the one for you, because you are waiting for him to come to the table with your college degree money, your shopping money, the great job, accelerated income etc.; when all the while, you could be doing this for yourself. Once you do this for yourself, you feel better about your place in a relationship. You are then able to contribute to the relationship and will be amazed at what the two of you can do together.
Time to clean house:
I know a 33-year-old woman who talks a really good game about what she can and will do for the right man. She talks about what he has to do first. Speaking of what to do first, she does not give adequate attention to personal hygiene, she’s self-centered and almost under any occasion, when stepping out of the house, she’s dressed for a red light special at the strip club. She said she is waiting to find a man to send her back to school, because it’s not an expense she wants to incur. Yet, when I asked her would she be willing to send him to school, there was an awkward silence. She said she wants a man with a passport—something women are now saying when they refer to a certain type of man. They want a man with a passport, as long as it’s not empty which simply implies he has been somewhere. So I asked her, where have you been outside the four corners of Texas? There was another awkward silence. The most appalling conversation with this woman was when she diverted to the topic of respect. She said her man has to respect her and treat her like a queen. While I agree wholeheartedly with that, I don’t agree with making it entirely impossible for a man to treat you with such respect when you are not acting like a queen. Example: how do you sleep with a man the first night you meet him, at the club by the way—then get mad that he did not make you his wife, upset he will not introduce you to family and friends, floored at the fact that you are his well kept secret and nothing more, devastated that he does not make you priority and why “They just want relations, they don’t want relationships”
I know women who will out right say that they are only in a relationship until something else comes along. Well I never understood that. Why do you think GOD would send you “the chosen one” when you still holding on to something else—stringing someone else along? How is this right in your head woman? Why should you deserve an upright man when you playing around with another man.
Stop trying to marry every man you meet –stop taking every tom and harry home to meet the parents. Have some discernment some discretion- maybe some exclusivity about yourself, period. Why are you special and what makes you the virtuous woman when everyone has “had” you? What makes you think an upright man is actually looking to make you his wife? What are your qualities? What makes you a woman? Can you sit down and write down every reason you are deserving of the perfect knight and really be honest? Do this when no one is around, because you may be very embarrassed to see what you come up with.
Ask yourself: How can I make myself better? Am I complete or a work in progress? Am I being the person I want to find? How can we make each other better, instead of how can he make me better? He may be asking himself the same questions.
My best friend told me he loves me, because I make him a better man. I make him fulfill his fullest potential by encouraging him to step into his greatness and I make him want to do and be something more but never something he’s not.
If the perfect man was standing on a mountain high—about to choose his wife based off a truthful recommendation letter, what would yours say?
Niedria D. Kenny AKA Freely Speaking